Respect is a hot-button issue, especially for people who feel threatened or not well-established in the social hierarchy.  If your autonomy is under siege, respect will often be a big issue for you.  So how do you spot respectful body language – or its opposite?

People will unconsciously try to dominate someone that they perceive to be socially, financially, or hierarchically lower than themselves.  That dominance often expresses itself in terms of relative height.  Watch an executive team – or any business team – sitting around a table.  The dominant players will keep their heads higher than the others. 

So the first way to show respect is to lower yourself physically to the other person’s level or below it.  We see this behavior when an adult tries to treat a younger person like an equal.  Often the adult will lower herself so that her head is at the same height as the child’s.  That’s a form of respect, and it usually gets good results in terms of opening the child up and making him comfortable – if it’s not done clumsily.

Respect is also signaled by the way we position our heads in others’ company.  If we raise our chins above the neutral horizontal level, we can be signaling an aggressive move to take charge – or to show disrespect to the other people.  Similarly, if you want to avoid threatening someone else, keep your eyes lowered and your head down.  The opposite move conveys a threat or an attempt at dominance. 

Dominant people tend to take up more space in the room, by splaying out their legs and feet, slouching in a chair to occupy more space in the room, and by using their arms and hands to take up more space horizontally.  Prime Minister Winston Churchill, a short man, often stood with his elbows angled out – the short person’s way of taking up more space (when the vertical is not an option).  The attempt to dominate a room in this way can be taken as an act of disrespect, depending on the players involved, or more positively as a way of demanding respect from others.  And once again, its opposite (taking up less space) can be a sign of respect. 

One of the universally understood facial gestures is disgust, involving a downturn of the mouth.  That can signal disrespect, as can the sneer, when one side of the mouth is pulled up.  Eye contact that goes on too long, finally, can be a sign of disrespect, and submissive eyes, that don’t maintain eye contact for long, a sign of respect. 

We humans retain cues from our animal past in the ways we dole out respect or disrespect, and most of the cues involve manipulating the physical space we’re in, or signaling attitude with the face. 

What does interest look like?  It helps to know the person a little bit, so you can factor out the idiosyncrasies.  But interest typically begins with eye contact.  Mostly, we look at what we’re interested in. 

There are, of course, exceptions.  When people flirt, they play an age-old game of looking away and looking back, giving fleeting glances, making a game of their attention.  The purpose is to heighten the excitement of actual eye contact. 

Raised eyebrows also show interest, as well as open pupils.  When we’re interested, we turn our entire bodies toward the interesting object or person, and we draw closer. 

Then there are people who fake interest.  Look for too rigid eye contact, or eyes that are looking your way, but not focused, to spot the fakers.  But once again it helps to know the person involved, in order to spot the tell-tale signs of interest or disinterest.

So if someone has his eyes focused on you, then check for other signs from the rest of the body.  Is she tapping her fingers?  Are his arms crossed?  Is she turning away?  The body can often be a more reliable sign of genuine interest – or its opposite – than the eyes.  Adults learn to control their faces, feigning interest in order to be polite.  But it exceeds the mental capacity of most people to fake the rest of the body – and indeed, most people don’t know what to do to convey something specific beyond the face. 

If you want to demonstrate interest, first focus your torso on the object of desire, and then your face and eyes.  Do it that way, or you’re liable to forget the body, as most people do. 

As a former academic, I had lots of practice determining the interest levels of 18-21 year olds.  Most students are sleep-deprived, so if you’re not interesting, they’ll quickly demonstrate the ultimate sign of disinterest by falling asleep.  The signs of that are unmistakable. 

What are the body language signs of passion?  You’re thinking, this is a joke, right?  No, I’m not going to talk about sex.  I’ll leave that to the experts and the Internet.  What I’m talking about are the signs that a co-worker or friend or family member is about to erupt in rage, or frustration, or pique, or excitement, or even hilarity. 

We put such a premium in most workplaces -- and social situations -- on staying calm and not showing emotions, that we are often unprepared for it when it shows up unexpectedly.  Indeed, passion can be used in a calculated way to intimidate, to railroad, or to push a point of view.  So it helps to spot the warning signs in order to prepare yourself for the explosion. 

What do you look for?  You'll often spot agitation first in the face, seeing a rapid movement of the eyes, or clenching of the jaw and neck muscles, or a suddenly furrowed brow.  But it usually starts in the gut.  Genuine passion, as the Chinese will tell you, comes from the stomach, not the head.  Breathing rate will suddenly increase, and become more shallow.  The stomach muscles, and the whole torso, will tighten, and prepare for the outburst.  It’s the natural way we have of increasing our adrenaline, and allowing that chemical to assist us in flight or fight mode. 

Often it’s literally true that our bodies know that we’re about to explode before we know it consciously, so watching others’ body language carefully can keep you one step ahead of the riot.  Look for tension in the hands, arms and legs, the shoulders, and finally the face.  He may start to tap his fingers, or his feet.  Her hands may clench before her jaw does.  Muscle tension is the primary signal.  With a little practice, you can even learn to detect what kind of explosion is about to happen by studying the individual and her particular habits of body.  And you can react to a blow before the other person knows he is going to punch by watching it start in the tension of the shoulder. 

Because our bodies decide before our conscious minds, we can’t explode without signaling it first with our bodies.  Thus passion is physical before it’s mental, and body language provides the clues for what’s going to happen.  Study the cues well and you’ll never be caught off guard again.     

We’re living through a disconnected era in our nanosecond-based, 24/7, ADD, mostly virtual world.  Our colleagues and fellow workers nod and smile a lot to show that they’re listening, but it’s not really happening.  Real connection is rare.    Their internal monologues are too intense, too scared, and too far down Maslow’s hierarchy – will I still have my job?  How can I pay my mortgage?  Are my kids staying out of trouble?  -- for us to compete in the attention stakes. 

In short, we have an epidemic of fake listening.  It’s the kind of listening that really means the other parties are just thinking up what they’re going to say next, if they’re on the same conversational planet at all.

What are the body language signs of fake listening?  The eye contact is too fixed, and too still.  He holds his head very still, as if to show that he’s really focused on you.  Or she smiles too brightly, holding the smile too long.  But a real conversation, as I talked about in the last blog, is full of anticipatory nods and hand-offs of eye contact in order to allow smooth conversational Ping-pong.  It’s relaxed and synchronized.  Fake listening feels very different from that.  It’s tense rather than fluid, abrupt rather than smooth, hyped rather than natural. 

And that’s just the face.  Watch the rest of the body.  Is it turning away from you?  Is he tapping his fingers?  Is she pointing her feet toward the door?  Is the other party in constant motion, in fact, never quite coming to rest during the conversation?  These are all signs of Connection Deficit Syndrome.  

When Malcolm Gladwell published Blink, the book gave many people an apparently great excuse not to listen.  You can learn all you want to learn with a quick gut read – why pay attention?  It didn’t matter that Gladwell was wrong in the way he conflated deep-seated expert judgment with uninformed gut reaction.  The damage was done.  We now had a bestselling reason not to connect.  “Just nutshell it for me,” people started to say.  

Let’s start a counter-trend.  Take the time to connect with other people by being truly present.  Let your own mind go quiet, and instead of chattering away to yourself – or planning your escape – focus on the other person with the intent to connect.  You’ll be amazed at what you can learn.  When everyone else is moving at 100 miles per hour, start your own Slow Connection Movement.  It’s time to get back to doing what we humans do best:  use our empathy to form bonds with our fellow human beings. 

How do you tell – in body language terms – when you’re connected with someone?  A conversation between two connected people – lovers, friends, colleagues – who are in sync is a beautiful thing to behold.  If you’re one of the parties involved, it may spoil the connection to take time out to notice it, so be careful.  But the basic body language of connection is mirroring, anticipation and handoffs. 

People who are connected have many of the signs of openness I described in the first blog in this series, with the added layer of moving in sync with one another.  So they mirror each other’s behavior effortless and unconsciously.  They’ll face the same way, sit the same way, gesture the same way, and so on.  In fact, it’s a good test of how connected you are with someone else:  watch what happens when you move.  Does the other person move with you?  If so, it’s a good sign that you’re connected.  If not, not so much.

New research out of Princeton University shows that, if one of the parties is telling the other a story, the listener’s brain anticipates the way the story goes.  They’re telling the story to themselves faster than the teller can.  That’s connection.  I’ve seen it in audiences, too, when a speaker and the audience is connected.  The audience will anticipate where the speaker is headed.  Part of the pleasure of a good story, or a good joke, or a good speech, is fulfillment of expectation. 

In addition, there is a whole language of nods, head moves, eyebrow motion, and hand gestures that regulate connected conversation.  We use these gestures to signal that we’re almost done speaking to the other person, so that they can easily and smoothly take over the conversation.  It’s like an elegant game of Ping-pong.  These handoffs help ensure that both parties get their say, and there isn’t too much interrupting going on.

When the situation is reversed, and there’s a good deal of interruption, we find the conversation tiring, or aggravating, partially because our gestures as well as our words are out of sync.  That means that we gesture more, and change direction and meaning of our gestures more, and that’s tiring.

We humans desire connection and find its absence unpleasant.  By paying attention to the signs of connection, you can send the right signals to the other people in your life and increase your connectedness. 

How do you tell – in terms of body language – when someone is closing off to you?  Most of the clues are easily spotted as the opposite of openness. 

Once again, start with the face.  There’s a lack of eye contact, and when she does make eye contact, her eyes may be narrowed, and her eyebrows lowered.  Her pupils may be shutting – but don’t endanger yourself or others by peering too closely to be sure. 

Frowning and shaking the head “no” are two unmistakable signs of closing down, but many people are too polite to use such obvious gestures.  And certain cultures avoid the signs of “no”; instead saying, “yes,” while meaning its opposite.  In that case, you want to watch for the position of his head.  If he is moving his head and body away from you, even slightly, that may be a sign that he is closing down. 

I once saw two experienced politicians evade the question that the reporters were asking again and again in different words – did you come to a deal – when the relative positions of their heads to one another every time the question was asked gave the game away.  The two both tipped their heads back slightly away from one another:  there was no deal. 

Similarly, if she is moving her torso away from you, or pointing it away from you, that may be a sign of closing down.  The big sign that someone is “done” – in a variety of ways – is when she has been leaning toward you, and she shifts her whole position to leaning back.  That’s an unequivocal sign that it’s time to move on, whether literally or figuratively. 

His hands will sometimes signal closing down, if they become a barrier – clasped in front of his stomach between the two of you, or crossed.  And watch his feet and legs:  if they move away or are pointed away from you, that may be a sign of closing down. 

How can you signal this behavior yourself?  The easiest way is to subtly move away from the other person in some fashion, either with the head, the torso, or the whole body.  The other behaviors are of course very familiar to us all, and not difficult to employ, from shaking your head to frowning and the rest.  But if you’re aiming to be diplomatic, then go for the subtle rather than the obvious. 

What does closed body language mean?  The question is, does it mean that the conversation is done, and the other person is ready to move on, or does it mean, “No, I don’t want you/your product/your ideas/your entire zeitgeist”?  For the distinction, you must look to context – and your own optimism and ideas for the future.  Does “No” mean “Never” or “Not Now”?  It can be difficult to get a clear answer out of people who are uncomfortable with saying no in general, and of course attitudes may change.  Generally, if the words are saying “Yes,” but the body language is saying “No,” don’t push it.  The brain research shows that our bodies often know our decisions before our conscious minds do – even up to 10 seconds before.  Trust the body language!

I’m going to do a series of blogs on body language – quick takes.  Here’s a way to spot certain attitudes – or ‘tells’ – in body language, and how to employ those attitudes yourself. 

My first attitude is openness.  What does it look like, how do you adopt it, and what does it mean?

Openness begins with the face.  The person’s eyes are open wide, and focused on you; her eyebrows may be raised; her face is turned toward you.  The person may be smiling, nodding, or otherwise signaling positive attitudes.  The pupils of her eyes are large rather than small – but don’t do yourself or others injury by trying to see them close up.

Next, his torso is turned toward you rather than away.  His hands are open, his palms are open and turned toward you, and his torso is exposed rather than protected by his hands or arms. 

Finally, look at the person’s legs and feet.  They can be open or crossed, and her feet can be pointed toward you or away from you.  The former in both cases is open, the latter is more likely to be closed. 

Overall, open people tend to move toward you, closed people away.  The adjustments in space can be quite small, so observe closely. 

How do you adopt open body language yourself?  You can try to monitor all the behavior described above, but it can be quite difficult to keep track of all that from moment to moment and remember not to drool or forget what you’re saying – let alone listen to the other person attentively.  So I recommend instead creating in yourself the intent to be open.  That is, when you’re going into a meeting or conversation – or getting ready to give a presentation – and you want to come across as open, spend a minute or two imagining that you’re about to talk to your favorite person, someone with whom you’re completely comfortable.  With a little practice, you’ll find that if you adopt a strong enough intent, the body language takes care of itself. 

What does open body language mean?  Openness means just that, being open to the other person, or people.  Receptiveness, alignment, and a positive attitude are all more likely when someone is open to you – and you’re open to them.  Openness is a good thing – almost always.   

But of course, all of this has to be taken with a bit of salt.  People vary in their natural set points of openness, so get to know someone before placing a big bet on what their body language is telling you at any given moment. 

Too many people structure their presentations by pulling together slides and then assembling them like a deck of cards, in what seems like an OK order.  That usually means that no one except the presenter can divine where the speech is headed. 

That’s a bad idea. 

At the heart of a successful presentation is a clear structure.  Which one should you use?  The best structure for what you’re trying to do depends on the nature of your talk.  Following are five possible situations in the organizational world for which you might be called upon to present; pick the one that best suits your actual situation.   

1.  You might be called upon to report progress.  In that case, use the following structure:

1.  Describe the issue or assignment, including why it’s important
2.  Describe the critical outstanding problems
3.  Prioritize them, and describe how they’re being addressed
4.  Describe successes to date – positive progress made
5.  Close with action steps

2.  You might be called upon to recommend a strategy.  For that situation, here’s a good structure:

1.  Define the objective
2.  Describe the current conditions
3.  Describe the desired state
4.  List the possible strategies, with pros and cons of each
5.  Identify best one, describe next steps

3.  You might be called upon to persuade your audience of the excellence of a particular product, service, or idea – a sales talk.  Here’s how to organize that one: 

1. Frame the need that the product, service, or idea addresses
2. Describe the need in more detail
3. Describe the ways in which your solution addresses the need
4. Describe the benefits of buying in to your solution
5. Get agreement on a next step

4.  You might be called upon to choose among several alternatives.  Here’s the best way to present:

1.  Frame the situation
2.  Describe the criteria for success and prioritize them
3.  Describe alternatives
4.  Compare to the criteria and eliminate alternatives that don’t meet criteria
5.  Recommend best remaining alternative

5.  You might be called upon to teach a procedure or a skill.  In that case, proceed as follows:

1.  Frame the skill in terms of its importance to the audience
2.  Explain the skill or procedural steps involved
3.  Get the audience to try some aspect of the skill or procedure
4.  Review and summarize, including anything the audience did not try
5.  Describe what the audience can do on its own to acquire the skill or procedure
 

I ran across this list of the 50 most inspiring movie speeches (warning: language and mature themes) and it inspired me to think about what makes a great movie speech – and to figure out the lessons for great speechmaking in general.  So here, in time for the holiday weekend, are my 5 lessons for creating similar inspirational moments.  

1.  The stakes must be high. 

Many of these speeches come before a battle where the lives of the tribe, the country, or the species are at stake.  To inspire people, pick your moment.  Life and death is best; life and death of your organization is next best.  It’s hard to inspire people about 3Q earnings unless you’re on the brink. 

2. What’s at stake must be clear. 

Inspirational speeches don’t thrive on the nuances of morality or human behavior.  Rather, they focus on clear issues of right and wrong, competition – us v. them – and winning or losing.  When you want to inspire, go for the black and white. 

3.  The inspirational speech must be short. 

The longest of the speeches here is 8 minutes.  Most are 2 – 4 minutes.  It’s difficult to sustain the fever pitch for very long.  So, if you’re giving a longer speech, save the inspiration for the end.  That’s all anyone will remember anyway. 

4.  The inspirational speech must be emotional. 

This one should be obvious – doesn’t inspiration = emotion? – but especially in the business world, clients tell me all the time that they’re uncomfortable with emotion.  They don’t want to “go there.”  If you want to inspire, you have to tug at the emotions.  It can’t be done any other way.  Figure out what the emotional ride is that you want to take your audience on and commit to it.  Fully.  That's what the speech is about. 

5.  Finally, it helps to have a soundtrack.   

Robin Williams can deliver heartfelt emotion without music, as he does in Good Will Hunting, but most of the other clips have a stirring musical soundtrack underneath the actor’s lines.  Music takes a shortcut to our emotions and activates them faster and more reliably than words.  So, at the very least, add some walk-in music to your speeches.