Public Speaking Advice and Commentary

Is your non-verbal 'conversation' helping or hurting your career?

How are you showing up?  Is your non-verbal 'conversation' helping or hurting your career?  My partner and I worked with an executive of a major financial institution who had fought his way up from the streets to a top position. When we were brought in to work with him, he had been promoted to a board–level role, and that required that he act in a statesmanlike manner, and as a mentor to others.

He had no idea how to behave in this way. All of his experience had taught him that he had to fight to keep his position and that colleagues were competition. So when he went into a meeting with the board, he behaved the way he always had.

He was close to being fired.

Why?  We quickly discovered what it was that so turned off the board when we had him role-play his executive meetings. He would go into an ever-so-slight defensive crouch, tensing himself, lowering his brows in a suspicious stare that had successfully intimidated many rivals in his earlier days.

He was completely unaware of this closed behavior.  The 360-degree review he had received just after taking the new position had shocked him. He had no idea that people saw him as a nasty guy.

But now he realized that he had to learn a different way to relate to his colleagues. The board had no wish to spar continuously with a defensive, hostile executive; they wanted a colleague.

He had to change.

When we showed him the videotape of his role-play, the moment was transformational. He had had no idea that his body language was signaling defensiveness. His reaction was, “Oh, my god, I look like a punk!”  He knew that he couldn’t look like a punk and continue as a C–suite executive.

That ten-minute video review probably saved his career. 

It gave him the motivation to change, and he slowly but surely learned to open up and become more of a colleague. He adopted a new posture and began to sit up straighter. Gradually he was able to open up his hands and arms. All of this took time and conscious effort before the new behavior became as comfortable and automatic as the old.  But eventually he began to be perceived as the executive and colleague he wanted to be. 

How are you showing up?  Check your non-verbal communication before it undercuts your best conscious efforts to succeed. 

Penn and Teller and the Happy Feet problem

I have a secret fondness for magic acts – the professional ones.  Acts like Penn and Teller.  So I was thrilled a while back when I was in Vegas for a convention and had an evening to catch their act. 

Penn and Teller are two accomplished showmen:  Penn is the talkative one, and Teller is largely silent. Penn keeps up a running commentary designed to distract and bemuse the audience while they both perform the magic tricks.

I was astonished to see that, at this performance, the talkative one, Penn, had a bad case of “happy feet.”  He had so much energy that he was wandering all over the stage randomly while chattering away. The random movement of his feet was his method for discharging that adrenaline-induced energy we all experience in performance, whether magicians or actors or speakers.

The result was so distracting, though, that I found myself unable to attend to his patter or even the magic tricks with any reliability. Nonetheless, he managed to hold his audience reasonably well until an unpleasant trick that involved apparently putting a live rabbit through a wood chipper. He lost his audience then and never got it back, making it clear that the bond was weak throughout, partly because his motion was random and not purposeful, toward the audience and away from it.

How do you avoid the Penn problem?  Two ways.  First, get control over your motion, and make it purposeful – toward your audience and away from it when appropriate.  Those are the only motions the audience will be interested in.  Moving toward an audience builds trust.  Use it. 

Second, become conscious of your adrenaline and treat it as energy to be used rather than a problem.  Let it come out in your voice, in your gestures – in your charisma. 

‘Happy Feet’ detracts from the performance of many a public speaker.  Don’t let it be your problem.  

Can you 'thin-slice' listening? Malcolm Gladwell and the Kouroi myth

One of the most pernicious concepts widely circulated about listening is in the otherwise admirable book Blink. Malcolm Gladwell introduces the idea of what he calls ‘thin-slicing’ as a way of talking about how a very small sample can stand for a whole host of evidence under specific circumstances and conditions. Unfortunately, he equates the thin-slicing idea with the expert’s ability to instantly size up, for example, an ancient statue as real or fake because of a myriad clues unconsciously weighed, evaluated, and sorted.

Here is what Gladwell wrote:

In September of 1983, an art dealer by the name of Gianfranco Becchina approached the J. Paul Getty Museum in California. He had in his possession, he said, a marble statue dating from the sixth century b.c. It was what is known as a kouros — a sculpture of a nude male youth standing with his left leg forward and his arms at his side. There are only about two hundred kouroi in existence, and most have been recovered badly damaged . . . . But this one was almost perfectly preserved . . . . It was an extraordinary find. Becchina’s asking price was just under $10 million.  The Getty moved cautiously. It . . . began a thorough investigation. . . .A geologist from the University of California. . .spent two days examining the surface of the statue with a high-resolution stereomicroscope . . . . [He]concluded . . . the statue was old. It wasn’t some contemporary fake . . . .The kouros, however, had a problem. It didn’t look right. The first to point this out was an Italian art historian named Federico Zeri . . . . He found himself staring at the sculpture’s fingernails. In a way he couldn’t immediately articulate, they seemed wrong to him. Other experts weighed in, and the statue was finally judged a fake. The Getty was embarrassed, and the art world has a great story to tell.

What does this have to do with listening? The idea has lodged in the public mind that somehow we can all be expert thin-slicers based on a quick look, a brief listen, a glancing moment of attention. But Gladwell has confused our ability to make snap (because unconscious) nonverbal judgments about the intent of people and the danger quotient of situations we’re thrown in with an expert’s ability, when her learning is profound, to size up something quickly. The result has been that too many people now say, “Just let me thin-slice this.”

The only thing we’re doing there is getting a quick read on our impression of the other person’s intent. We are pretty good at it, but we can certainly be wrong, and it is most emphatically not the same as expertise in a field like art history.  They’re two completely different activities.

The former is almost entirely unconscious and instant, whereas the latter is primarily conscious but drawing on an unconscious sifting of the physical evidence brought to the conscious mind.  And it often is a slow process, where something niggles at the back of the mind for days before the expert is able to become fully aware of what is going on. That is what in fact happens to several of the experts in Gladwell’s fake masterpiece story.  They take weeks to figure out why the statue doesn’t seem real to them or to piece together their analysis, impressions, and unconscious deciphering.

My point is this: we can’t listen to other people by thin-slicing them. Listening takes time. When it is done right, it is primarily an emotional activity and only secondarily intellectual.

Emotions take time to express, be heard, be validated, and so on.  To listen well and deeply to another person, you must quiet your own two conversations, and let your verbal and your nonverbal channels attend to what’s being said to you. Listen with your whole body.

Making a film? Appearing on camera? Check out these tips

For my blog today, I'm linking to an interview I did this week with Thomas Clifford, filmmaker and Fast Company expert blogger on how to use the principles I talk about in creating and appearing in film and video:  http://tinyurl.com/mehdhr

Enjoy!

20 body language myths debunked

Thanks to Suzanne Smith, who sent a very interesting list of 20 “defensive” and “positive and powerful” body language tips.  I can’t resist commenting on them, because they are such an admixture of good and bad advice.  The original posting is here:  http://tinyurl.com/nb4osk.  I’ll list each “tip” and then comment after in boldface. 

"Defensive Body Language Tips"

1. Invade someone’s personal space. This is a sign of dominance. 
•    Potentially dangerous advice.  Never invade unless you’re willing to back up your bluff with thorough follow-through.  In other words, be prepared to fight.  And why are you picking a fight, anyway? 
2. Unblinking eye contact can be intimidating. Essentially you are staring someone down until they look away.
•    Yes, too much eye contact can be intimidating.  It can also seem downright weird.  Why are you staring?  Again, if you’re going to pick a fight, you have to be prepared to duke it out.
3. Standing up straight and tall. In nature, animals make themselves appear larger to avoid conflict and establish dominance with predators or competition. The same technique works in the human world.
•    This is good advice – standing straight means that you are assertive without being aggressive or hostile. 
4. Speak first. Speaking first gives you the upper hand immediately.
•    Only if you have something to say.
5. Touch the person first. Extend your hand to shake hands, touch a person’s elbow, cover their hand while you shake hands. Being the first person to touch another opens up conversation while maintaining control.
•    This only has a minor effect on the flow of a conversation.  And too much familiarity too soon can be off-putting.
6. Turn your body at an angle to squeeze an uninvited guest out. The third wheel will get the idea.
•    This is junior-high-school stuff – effective, but obvious, cheap and potentially nasty -- and rude. 

"Positive and Powerful Body Language Tips"

7. Maintain a steady even tone. Appear calm, cool and collected by not raising your voice or speaking too quickly.
•    This works, just as your mother (or your psychologist) told you, to keep things calm.  I thought we were trying to take charge.  The aim appears to have changed. 
8. Speak heart to heart, or straight forward, to show interest in the conversation.
•    Yes, other things being equal.  Listening is a more powerful way to show interest. 
9. Steer your listener in the direction you wish to go while talking.
•    This will only have a minor effect on the flow of the conversation.
10. If you are sitting, keep your feet flat on the floor. Uncross your legs and sit straight up. You’ll appear more confident and interested.
•    Trivial
11. Gradually nod in agreement while you are listening to another person speak. Don’t jerk your head around with impatience.
•    Nodding builds agreement. 
12. Keep your arms open. Crossing your arms is a defensive motion. Keeping your limbs open and relaxed makes you seem comfortable with the situation.
•    True, but if you’re feeling defensive, you’ll signal it in many other ways besides this obvious giveaway. 
13. Don’t touch your face or cover your mouth with your hands. This movement can make you appear as if you are lying or trying to cover up something.
•    Depends on the context.  Not a reliable indicator of lying. 
14. Lean in slightly while another person is talking.
•    Generally, closing the distance between you and someone else indicates interest and builds trust. 
15. Use your hands confidently during a conversation.
•    Too vague to be useful. 
16. Don’t fidget while speaking. Fidgeting shows nervousness.
•    Fidgeting can also show impatience, or ADD behavior. 
17. Be aware of your facial expressions while you are talking and listening. Remember to smile when you greet and leave someone.
•    Smiling is always good, except when the situation demands a frown. 
18. Don’t reveal too much information. It can get awkward very quickly.
•    I have no idea what this means.  Are we talking about body language or something else?  The CIA or the PTA?
19. Don’t steal someone else’s thunder when they are telling a story. Allow them to finish and relate if you can.
•    That’s basic politeness. 
20. Relax your shoulders to avoid appearing uptight or nervous.
•    Again, in isolation this won’t help much if you’re nervous. 

As I explain in my book, Trust Me: Four Steps to Authenticity and Charisma, this kind of blow-by-blow approach to body language misses the point.  Body language is behavior and has to be interpreted in a context of a situation, a person, and a content.  In terms of decoding someone else’s behavior, you can’t look at isolated bits of body language.  There are simply too many reasons for human behavior.  It’s a fool’s game. 

In controlling your own behavior, to appear more confident, or open, or in charge, again, it is a fool’s game to try to manage a specific bit of body language.  Instead, work on your intent.  Then your body language will take care of itself. 

Who's the most powerful person in the room?

Sociologists Stanford Gregory and Stephen Webster of Kent State University conducted some fascinating research into the question of leadership at a very simple level.  They studied interviews on the Larry King Live show and tapes of British politicians and former U.S. presidents. Why this particular grouping of people? Because the issue of power and deference is bound to come up when high-status individuals are involved.

What they studied were the low-frequency sounds (below 500 hertz) that we all utter as we speak. The existence of the sounds themselves was well known to researchers but had been dismissed as irrelevant. Gregory and Webster found that in conversations and meetings, people rapidly match each other’s low -frequency sounds. In short, to have a productive conversation or meeting, we need to literally be on the same wavelength!

It gets more interesting: the researchers found that lower-status people match the higher-status people in the room.  You might expect that everyone would meet in the middle, but that was not the case. When Larry King was interviewing someone of very high status, he matched the high-status individual’s tones. When the interviewee was low status, he or she would match Larry King. The quickest to match Larry was Dan Quayle, presumably someone who had good reason to be deferential.

What’s going on here? Sorting out who is the most powerful person in the room is a game that humans have used for time out of memory because relative status is important to us. This need to defer and assert probably goes back to more primitive times when our lives depended on it. Now it’s more likely to be important when picking up sides for a sports team, jockeying for power in a business meeting, negotiating, or perhaps picking a new pope.

The point is that there is an unconscious element to it that is literally beyond our ken. Which happens first? And what are the criteria? Gregory and Webster’s research suggests that the process happens quickly, in the first few minutes of the conversation. So it’s hardly the case that much conscious thought has gone into determining who should be top dog. Rather, we see that an important part of our relationships to others is determined, at least in part, unconsciously. We are not the rational beings we like to think we are.

Conscious awareness of this unconscious process will arm you to resist the powerful and enable you increase your own personal power. 

Announcing the winners of the 'Worst Conference' contest

Thanks to all who participated in the “Worst Conference Experience Ever” contest.  We have a winner – a standout – and that could only be the entry from Mike, regarding the speaker who read from the tax code for “several hours with minimal commentary.”  I’m sure everyone will join in and offer their sympathy to the poor CFO who attended that presentation. 

Mike, you win an hour’s free (telephone) coaching for help in preparing any speech or presentation you have coming up.  Let me know via nick@publicwords.com how you’d like to schedule. 

Second place goes to Chris, who attended a Chamber of Commerce meeting (already, he’s got my sympathies) to hear from a judge who set an alarm clock up to keep himself to 20 minutes – only to hit the snooze button repeatedly, going on and on until the room was virtually deserted.  I wonder if the judge’s pronouncements from the bench are as long-winded!

Chris, you win a copy of my latest book, Trust Me:  Four Steps to Authenticity and Charisma.  Please send your snail mail address to nick@publicwords.com to receive your prize.

Third place goes to Piet, whose heart-rending description of the conference where the speaker was a no-show, but delivered the speech via texting to his assistant in real time does deserve mention for the most surreal and stupid solution to a vexing problem. 

Piet, send me your snail mail address and you also get a copy of the latest book.

Again, thanks to everyone who participated, and congratulations to the winners.

What is the most important rule for success in public speaking?

I'm often asked what is the single most essential thing to remember in order to give a good speech.  My first instinct is to respond, "it's a complex process, an art form, and it involves lots of moving parts.  So there's no one single thing."  But if I'm pressed for one rule only, it would be this:  have fun. 

That's right -- have fun. 

Could it possibly be that simple? 

Audiences have provisionally given up their authority and bestowed it on the speaker.  They want the speaker to succeed.  Otherwise, they've wasted their time, and who can afford to do that these days?  The best thing the speaker can do is to signal to the audience that he or she is having a good time.  It will let the audience know that it is in good hands.  It can relax and enjoy the experience. 

That creates a virtuous circle -- happy audience, happy speaker -- and those good vibes go a long way toward creating a positive experience for all. 

Of course, the hard part about having fun is that most people are nervous when they speak, at least at the start.  So how do you relax and have fun when your heart is hammering away, your palms are clammy, and you're thinking to yourself, I will never, never agree to do this again?

Focus on the audience.  If you can stop thinking about yourself, and start thinking about the audience, you've got a chance to begin to enjoy yourself.  Remember, a speech is not primarily about you, the speaker.  It's about whether or not the audience is moved to action. 

So relax, forget about you, and have fun.   

I'm often asked what is the single most essential thing to remember in order to give a good speech.  My first instinct is to respond, "it's a complex process, an art form, and it involves lots of moving parts.  So there's no one single thing."  But if I'm pressed for one rule only, it would be this:  have fun. 

That's right -- have fun. 

Could it possibly be that simple? 

Audiences have provisionally given up their authority and bestowed it on the speaker.  They want the speaker to succeed.  Otherwise, they've wasted their time, and who can afford to do that these days?  The best thing the speaker can do is to signal to the audience that he or she is having a good time.  It will let the audience know that it is in good hands.  It can relax and enjoy the experience. 

That creates a virtuous circle -- happy audience, happy speaker -- and those good vibes go a long way toward creating a positive experience for all. 

Of course, the hard part about having fun is that most people are nervous when they speak, at least at the start.  So how do you relax and have fun when your heart is hammering away, your palms are clammy, and you're thinking to yourself, I will never, never agree to do this again?

Focus on the audience.  If you can stop thinking about yourself, and start thinking about the audience, you've got a chance to begin to enjoy yourself.  Remember, a speech is not primarily about you, the speaker.  It's about whether or not the audience is moved to action. 

So relax, forget about you, and have fun.   

What can you get an audience to do?

A speaker asks a lot of an audience.  Understanding, enthusiasm, support -- and inactivity.  Audiences are expected to be passive by most speakers most of the time.  That's after all what speakers are paid for -- to inform and entertain the audience.  Not the other way around.  And the higher the price, the more entertaining the speaker better be.  But that means that most speakers figure that they should be doing the majority of the work. 

That's unfortunate, because if a speaker does a good job, pouring out lots of energy into an appreciative crowd, the audience is soon ready to give that energy back.  And it wants to give that energy back in the form of -- action.

Happy audiences want to do something, to show their involvement, their appreciation, their connection to the speaker.  (Unhappy audiences want to do something else:  leave.)  A wise speaker gives the audience an opportunity to express that collective energy in the form of action. 

So think of something that you can get audiences to do, and they will thank you with higher ratings, better response, and more lasting connection with you.  Look for some sort of action step for the audience to take that is relevant to your talk and closes your speech with dynamism. 

I'll give you one example.  We helped a speaker design a talk to a large audience on a religious and charitable theme.  For the action step at the end, we had the speaker ask everyone in the audience to reach into their pockets and purses, grab all the loose change they could, and, on the count of 3, throw it on the floor of the meeting hall. 

We then sent 'runners' around to pick it all up.  The speech raised $12,000 for AIDS relief in 5 minutes.  That's an action step. 

A speaker asks a lot of an audience.  Understanding, enthusiasm, support -- and inactivity.  Audiences are expected to be passive by most speakers most of the time.  That's after all what speakers are paid for -- to inform and entertain the audience.  Not the other way around.  And the higher the price, the more entertaining the speaker better be.  But that means that most speakers figure that they should be doing the majority of the work. 

That's unfortunate, because if a speaker does a good job, pouring out lots of energy into an appreciative crowd, the audience is soon ready to give that energy back.  And it wants to give that energy back in the form of -- action.

Happy audiences want to do something, to show their involvement, their appreciation, their connection to the speaker.  (Unhappy audiences want to do something else:  leave.)  A wise speaker gives the audience an opportunity to express that collective energy in the form of action. 

So think of something that you can get audiences to do, and they will thank you with higher ratings, better response, and more lasting connection with you.  Look for some sort of action step for the audience to take that is relevant to your talk and closes your speech with dynamism. 

I'll give you one example.  We helped a speaker design a talk to a large audience on a religious and charitable theme.  For the action step at the end, we had the speaker ask everyone in the audience to reach into their pockets and purses, grab all the loose change they could, and, on the count of 3, throw it on the floor of the meeting hall. 

We then sent 'runners' around to pick it all up.  The speech raised $12,000 for AIDS relief in 5 minutes.  That's an action step. 

Can you present sitting down?

Many clients ask me if they can present sitting down. It's a natural question -- it feels more collegial, and less exposed, to sit down around the table like everyone else. And isn't it a good thing to be collegial? Doesn't it send out a nice message about what kind of person you are?

The answer is, unfortunately, not always.

Standing up while others are sitting automatically bestows some authority on the standee. And there are times when it's important to claim that authority, just as there are times when it's OK to be collegial. Just be aware that when you sit down, you are first and foremost saying, 'I'm one of you.' Don't 'say' it unless you mean it.

Of course we don't like arrogant, pushy people who claim authority that's not their own. But we also don't like people who pretend to be humble folks when in fact they're running the show. Both are annoying, and poor leadership.

Stand when you are leading a charge. If you are addressing the troops in order to present a new plan or direction, the decision has already been made, and you want to bring the people along with you, then stand. Sitting in that sort of situation is a form of non-verbal lying. Sitting is for discussion.

Stand when you are announcing a decision (after hearing a variety of opinions). Let's say you've listened to your team discuss some options and you've arrived at a decision. That's a good time to stand, to show that discussion is over and action is at hand.

Stand when your expertise is called upon. If you're the expert in the room, then you should stand to deliver your expertise. Sit down when you're done, and the others can have their day too.

Know when to sit, and when to stand. It does make a difference. We all give provisional respect to those stand up to make their points; after that it's up to you to earn continuing respect with the quality of the decision, the announcement, or the expertise.